i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
