i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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