So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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