So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
