you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
