I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
