I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
