oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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