Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
