Banned from zoo.
Again?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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