I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
