Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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