the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
