In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
