This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
