I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
