It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
