what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
