My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
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She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
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I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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