the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
3 2 1 whiskey
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
