This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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