Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
