I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
