I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He? As in you personified your dick?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
