how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I could fuck to npr.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
