She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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