i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
