How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
