this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
