pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
