Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
