Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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