I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
