Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
