Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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