just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
