I accidentally burped into my bong.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
