Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
