i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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