there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
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