Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
