Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
