so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
