If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
