I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
