I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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