booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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