Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
