If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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