How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
