You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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