is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
