I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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