i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
