Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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