the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
