I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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