There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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