do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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