I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
